Jokes
Feeling a little bored? These should give you a laugh.
Ok Honey. We're Here. You can come out now.
What it's like to be an Eagles Fan
LIFESAVERS
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders
using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same
kind of lifesavers one at a time, and asked them to identify
them by color and flavor.
The children began to say:
"Red...............................cherry",
"Yellow............................lemon",
"Green............................lime",
"Orange...........................orange'
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them
for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well", he said "I'll give you all a clue; it's what your mother may
call your father at times".
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!!! They're assholes"!!!!
PONDER THESE
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in
for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to
look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Dead Bubba:
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
Badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body,
So they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the
Sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better
Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope,
ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took
A look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll
Him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,
It ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
Links to some jokes & other good stuff
Even better OUCH!... http://media.putfile.com/yougotownedwmv
You Don't Know Jack!
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually in charge !!
More Joles
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